What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
You leave me Wonton more.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
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