What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Go to BabaMail
