Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I always have a ball with you.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
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