Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
He threw three free throws.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
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