Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
How about we get down to monkey business?
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
You mermake me happy.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
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