The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
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