How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Wish upon a starfish.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I wood never leaf you.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
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