"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!

I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.

I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.

Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!

Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.

I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.

Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.

Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.

There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.

My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud

Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.

Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.

What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”

Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.

The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.

Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.

Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?

A rain of terror.

I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.

You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving