I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Love at frost sight!
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
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