Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Ah! The element of surprise.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Haida there, gorgeous.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
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