What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
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