How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
In on the ground flora.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Please, please me
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Live to tell the tail.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
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