Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
You dropped something. My jaw.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
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