Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Metaphors be with you.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
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