A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Don’t moss around.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Beer-lieve it or not!
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
I fence-y you.
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