Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
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