How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
We’ll have a ball.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I’m feelin’ green.
Readers do it by the book.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
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