I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
You had me at cello.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
One trick peony.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
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