What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
You sleigh me.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
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