Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
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