“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
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