I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
"I make pour decisions."
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
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