What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
My weekend is fully booked.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
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