What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
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