I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Please excuse my resting beach face.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
You’re my lucky charm.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
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