What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
I can heartly wait to see you.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
"Say you'll be wine."
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
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