What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
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