One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.

Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.

If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.

What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.

Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”

- Alan Arkin.

Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.

Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.

I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.

When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.

Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?

Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.

Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.

My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.

-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.

My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.

Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.

“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.

People are always after me lucky charms.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!

My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!

“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.

When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell