Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
The superconductor left without resistance.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
How about we get down to monkey business?
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
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