I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Practice safe text: use commas.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
Snow on and snow forth.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
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