Can I slip one past your goalie?
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Icy what you did there!
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I love you deerly.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
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