Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
You're so clover!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
A round of Santa-plause, please.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
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