I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
It’s snow joke.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
"I don't tan. I burn"
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Drink happy thoughts.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
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