What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
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