Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Metaphors be with you.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Go to BabaMail
