I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
You're such a TEAse.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
I think I glove you.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
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