There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Paddy like a rockstar.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Irish you luck.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Go to BabaMail
