What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
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