What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Distill my beating heart.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Don't even chai.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
"No body won the skeleton race."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
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