What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Something’s goat to give.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
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