Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
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