“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
"You bake me crazy."
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
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