Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
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