Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
I told you snow.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
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