If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
I read dead people.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
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