When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
I only have ice for you.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
All punts are highly intended
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
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