I love you from my head tomatoes.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
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