Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
You sleigh me.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
"Back that glass up."
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
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