My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
So … do you run here often?
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
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