Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Shave a single shingle thin.
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
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