"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
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