I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
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