What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
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