"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Go big or go gnome.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
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