What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
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