A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
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