What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.

“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”

Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?

I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.

"Will you accept this rosé?"

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.

This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?

What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins

Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!

What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.

Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.

“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock

Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.

What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.

“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!

"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West

Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.

What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.

Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.

What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!

When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.

What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"

Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.

Stay true to your shelf.

When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.

I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

I’m never board when I’m at the pool.

If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!

Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"