I bet you I could stop gambling.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
You're my missing ingredient.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
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