The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Are you a red light because stop.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
"Back that glass up."
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
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