How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
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