Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous

I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh

Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.

“Look out for Santa Paws!”

What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.

I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.

When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"

Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?

My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!

How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.

People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.

What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.

Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.

I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.

A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.

She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.

What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.

What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!

What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter

What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.

What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...

What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.

The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.

What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.