Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
You’re sledding a fine line there.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Your lab or my lab?
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
She sells seashells by the seashore.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
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