Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.

Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed

[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.

“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster

The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.

How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.

Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.

Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.

A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.

Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!

“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous

What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!

Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.

You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

Girl, you give me the butterflies.

Burst into cheers!

How much will $20 get me?

Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”

Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.

Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”

- Lane Olinghouse.

I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.

Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.

If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.

“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Snow on and snow forth.

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

- Andy Warhol

Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.