Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Talk literary to me.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Man is Fatally Slain.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
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