Your good seed for the day.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
I want you more than I want world peace.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
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