"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
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