What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
I love you a tot!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
You are so right. And I am so left.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
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