What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
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