What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees

If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.

Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.

What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !

What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”

What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!

What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.

Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.

Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great

Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.

Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."

What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!

SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.

“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman

If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.

Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.

What do you call an old snowman? A creek.

When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.

Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.

Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.

When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!

“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”

“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales

"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."

- Jim Gaffigan

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection

What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.

“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

- Jerry Seinfeld