Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
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